Zombie Mondays: Some Advice for the Characters of 'The Walking Dead' and 'Fear the Walking Dead'

October 19, 2015

 

Zombie Mondays

The characters of The Walking Dead have gotten a lot of stuff figured out already—like food, water, shelter, medicine, defense from other humans, etc.  But there’s a lot of stuff they still haven’t figured out yet.  Some are obvious, some not so.  Here is a recommended list of considerations.

 

Note: this is not a re-hash of Zombieland (though its lessons should be taken to heart)

 

1. First of all, STFU.  They always come at you when you’re having some stupid, interpersonal drama with one another.  Just keep your mouths shut until you’re back home.  Walkers are slow, dumb, and make that growling noise whenever the living are nearby.  There is no excuse for letting them sneak up on you.

 

2. Referring back to #1—Wolf Ears.  Amplified ear protectors that block out loud, hearing-damaging noises but amplify quieter, harder to hear noises.  These are available in literally any gun store, hardware store, or safety supply store.  They usually run off of a 9V battery and can be had with integrated two-way communication.  They’ll keep your hearing safe in a gunfight and alert you to any silent shuffling from around the corner.

 

3. Also harkening back to #1—A Job for Everyone, and Everyone Does Their Job.  When it’s time to leave the compound—whether it’s foraging for food or looking for supplies and medicine—it’s not a good thing to just pile a bunch of people and their crap into a car and drive off.  Plan things out.  Give everyone something to do or they’ll just start running their mouths off or scratching their asses.  Whether they’re driving, looking out, or just riding shotgun, give everyone something to do AND HAVE THEM DO IT.  Plan the run, and run the plan.

 

4. Look where you’re going.  I can’t stress this enough.  Walkers are all over the place and crossing the road without looking both ways.  If you’re driving and you turn your head to talk to the guy in the back seat, guess what’s going to happen.  Then you’re stuck and you have to hoof it.  And where’s there’s one walker, there’s probably about one hundred or so more.

 

5. Chainmail.  Or least thick, leather gauntlets—like welding gloves or those gloves veterinarians use to handle intractable cats.  The danger is in a walker’s bite.  If a cat can’t bite through it, neither can a walker.  Like the wolf ears, you can find these just about anywhere.  You can make your own chainmail either out of key rings (I’ve seen it) or steel wire wrapped around a dowel.  And if you get bored, you can always recreate the Battle of Hastings.  And speaking of the Medieval period……..

 

6. The Lucerne Hammer.  This was a Swiss weapon of the late middle ages when knights were running around in full plate armor.  Like a knight’s breastplate, it’s a lot harder to penetrate a human (walker) skull than just pushing a knife through it.  You need something thick that can give you a good, hard swing with a lot of force.  The Lucerne Hammer had a 2-4’ long shaft with a head that had a pronged hammer with a thick spike jutting from the other side.  A thick blade extended from the top, giving you a 4-6’’ long spear blade.  Every country had its own version of the Lucerne Hammer.  France had the Bec de Corbin, which was the same thing but with a longer shaft.  These may be a little hard to find, but putting a claw hammer on a longer shaft is easy.  Stick a knife blade at the top and you have it.  Stop fooling around with your little trench knives and get serious.   

 

 

It’s been, what, five hundred years since the Middle Ages?  Medieval Europe could’ve taken care of a few stupid zombies.  Why are they such a problem to us?

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